Dark Fortunes

We ate Chinese take-out last night, and later in the evening I thought about how I'd like to see fortune cookies that aren't so overwhelmingly positive.

It's understandable that fortune cookies are going to have positive messages since restaurants want their patrons to come away with a good feeling after filling their gullets, but I'd like to see slips of paper that have some dark humor or strangeness in 'em.

So here are some candidates:

• It's really you, not him.
• You've had one too many Tsingtaos.
• It really didn't happen for a reason. Often random stuff happens. Deal with it.
• You need a new hairdo.
• There won't be a second date.
• Bitterness is your friend. Solitude is your spouse.
• He's cheating on you. He's been doing so for months.
• In the Clifford books, they conveniently don't address the dog manure situation. I mean, Clifford's huge, right? Just imagine what kind of pressure that island ecosystem is under.
• Pull up your damn pants/shorts and get a belt to hold them up.
• You're tired of his crap, aren't you?
• In regard to clowns, what's their deal? Do you despise them like I do?
• It's no coindicence that eating fatty foods activates the neurological pleasure circuitry in the same way that cocaine, heroin and amphetamines activate it.
• You're going to regret those tatoos.
• Get off my property.
• One could argue that Jesus was a socialist. Discuss that proposition and its implications.
• Are you going to tell her that she has a booger in his nose or not?
• How have those New Year's resolutions worked out?
• Cookie Monster is a member of Mensa along with a number of porn stars.
• "I'm as serious as cancer" is one of the dumbest statements ever made.
• She's dating you, but she's looking for someone better.
• Why don't the Chinese make better wine?
• That statement you said earlier to your kid--your dad said that to you when you were a kid.
• What's your requested meal before you go to the chair?
• You're such a narcissist.
• Ars est celare artem.